Writing

Originally written 5/29/2014.

My mom moved recently, and I had to go through a bunch of my old stuff that was still in her place. I found a few old notebooks, which I used to write in all the time whenever I was riding the train or had some idle time away from a computer, or when I couldn't take my laptop out.

There's lots of stuff where I sort through design issues in projects, personal and professional, but there's also a lot of stuff that would have been blog posts, or just thinking through concepts of potential projects. Some of it seems crazy to me. Like there was a mental clarity I'm missing now.

I don't do this as much anymore, since I stopped trying to split my time evenly between my mom and Crystal. Not traveling all the time.

I realize now that the act of writing down all of my ideas, and writing about things that matter to me, while they seem like kind of masturbatory wastes of time, are valuable. Processing this stuff, discarding what seems like it will be fruitless, and developing what doesn't, helps me to declutter my mind.

I think about how easily distracted I've been lately, and how cloudy I feel sometimes, and I've had a hard time pinning it down. General depression from spending too much time in Long Island? Stress about not being better at all the things I want to be good at? Stress about Crystal's health? Stress about the shit state of America? Poor diet? Not enough exercise? Brain changes from the internet and stuff?

I think the worst of it is not unloading the contents of my brain enough. I'll have ideas for games and projects and stuff and I'll tell myself stuff like, "You don't have time for this right now. Do your work." But then those things are rattling around in my head, and I feel anxious about forgetting ideas. By not allowing myself time for them, they end up taking more of my time, and making me less effective at everything.

So, no more. I have an idea that's distracting me from work, I'm writing it down. If I have to drop a pomodoro, or work a little later, it is what it is. I'm scarily effective when I can focus 100%, and the more time I can spend that way, the better.